Responsibilities of handling people
Something I forgot to mention yesterday is the responsibility of handling
At this precise moment I cannot recall the exact thread
of what I was referring to, but I slightly recall it having something to do with
'Anna'. If she has a crush on me so fast, that may be all very well and cute but
how exactly am I supposed to handle it?
Would it be OK for me to "flirt"
with other women even though I hardly flirt with them at all?
someone reposes their feelings in you - like Anna has done to me, SO many times
- it gives you a certain sense of responsibility towards that person. You have
to be careful around them, and be sensitive towards their feelings.
does "responsibility" cause the death of the initial attraction?
remains to be seen.
You know, a couple of nights ago I had yet ANOTHER dream of CD. What the hell
is going on here? All of a sudden I am starting to dream about her? Am I really
missing her that bad? I don't think so consciously, so it must be an unconscious
thing. I definitely do miss her company, that's for sure.
So this dream
felt quite weird. It was as if we were having a full-on relationship. Sexual
vibes were around, so I guess we actually were in a full-on relationship
in every sense of the term. I remember having a feeling of satisfaction and
happiness, but something was missing. It was as if I was feeling in the dream
that things had moved too fast.
Talking about things moving fast, there's
this girl who I will refer to as 'Anna.' I haven't really known her that long,
but she really is the sweetest cutest most adorable thing on God's green earth
in my opinion.
I don't know what it is about her; she has revealed some
of her deepest feelings to me, the anguish that lies in her heart, some of her
poetry, etc., and I feel like she is indeed a deep resource that has been left
untouched. The depth of her feeling strikes me so. It seems a challenge that I
would love to take on, but I am unsure of my capability to do so.
girl who has been through an immense amount of hurt and I saw a little glimpse
of it. I thought I was being kind and comforting by offering her a shoulder to
cry on should she ever need it. I guess slowly, but surely. we have become
greater friends and more closer.
Now all of a sudden she says she's got a
little crush on me and is relaly happy to see me around, and all. This is
evident from her behaviour. Personally I cannot understand how things can move
so fast, but I found myself responding in almost exactly the same way! It
surprised me, but at the same time I did not feel weird at all, I guess because
of a minor amount of closeness that had developed already. In fact, it seemed to
be as if this was a fast-forward version of a normal developing romance. Should
I even use that word, 'romance'? Who knows where it will lead? And it is not
even going "fast" in the normal sense of fast relationships, it is so hard to
Well anyway, the thing is that she likes me and I like her, that
just about sums it up. It would be better if things went a bit slower but then
hey, some things in life just should not be passed up.
I dont know how
this all fits in with CD though. A few days ago I was driving myself up the wall
with thoughts of her and how much I missed HER. The main problem with CD is that
I got the feeling that she had feelings for me. She admitted as much, and it was
obvious in the way she flirted with me etc. But just before she left for India,
I got the impression that she was restraining herself from getting closer to me.
I don't know why, but it really seemed that she was getting into me and it was
going to be relaly inconvenient for her to think of me while in India.
Under normal circumstances I would think she was not into me, but the
way she was insisting I should keep in touch with her via email and the way she
spoke, it was so obvious ..
And I was thinking that when she gets back
from India, I'd capitalise on those obvious feelings and drive her over the
And then along comes Anna..
FUCK! It is HOT!
The heat is driving me INSANE!
Jessica Cutler - Washingtonienne
I just heard about the 'Washingtonienne' after reading an article about her
in the Guardian. Bleeding hell, she makes Monica Lewinsky look like a lily-white
virgin from Kansas!
Check it out, she slept with SIX senior US
politicians. And as if that wasn't enough, they PAID her for it. And it THAT
wasn't enough, she wrote all about it on her blog!!
Check it Out. ;)
Deep CD meditation
I was thinking about what I wrote about CD yesterday. Sometimes it worries me
having to express my feelings about things, especially other people. It's a
thing that I have to do to confront my own feelings, as burying it away in the
back of your mind (or heart) is not good.
I'm seriously scared that I
might be falling for CD. It's one reason why I try not to think of her too much.
Yesterday I considered the possibility of sleeping with her. Would it ever
happen? I might never find out, not until she gets back from India anyway.
Still, would I even do it with her? Would it be like how it is with other
I care for CD so much, it's almost like I am on the brink
of,...shall I say it? Falling for her. Maybe that's one reason why I shouldn't
sleep with her. If I sleep with her, would it be "fucking" like it is with
others? Would it be "sex"? It's a term that I've hardly ever used before, but
would it be like "making love"?
Probably for the first time in my life,
"making love" seems so appropriate and significant. I gues that's how I would
feel with her. It would so intense and passionate. It wouldn't be like with
anyone else, there'd be real love at least fro my side.
Which brings me
to the prospect of her feelings for me, what are they? I know she likes me.
She's a bit flirtatious and she drops comments here and there about how I'm
"sweet" and "cute." The other day she told me I was "soooooooo sweet." So, I
guess I'm sweet? What does that mean in girl-code? "Friend?" No surprise
The conclusion is that I fear that sleeping with her would be the
last obstacle. After that, I'd just simply fall for her. That's probably why I'm
so scared of sleeping with her and try not to think about her too much. But
she's so irresistible...
Leather Biker Girl
I had a dream of CD last night. Nothing kinky, unfortunately, but I was
surprised to dream of her. What was even more surprising was that she was
dressed head-to-toe in a leather biker outfit, ready to vrooooooom away on a
bike. Obviously it was symbolic of how she recently set out on her summer trip
to India. I remember experiencing a feeling of gut-wrenching sadness, as I would
be without her company for several months both in the dream and in real
CD, what can I say about her? I know her so well, and she knows me
so well. I love talking to her and it really is a joy. We can laugh and joke
about everything under the sun. Why should an age difference matter? As long as
two people connect, nothing else really matters right? I won't get to see her
again until August when she gets back. I'll miss her. Funny how I had this dream
a couple of days after she left, but I'll still miss her. Maybe I should write
her an email to enquire if she arrived safely. After all, she did insist that I
should keep in touch with her. Hell knows where she'll find the time to visit a
cybercafe in India, haha.
I care so much for that girl, she's been
through so much pain lately. There is nothing more painful than pain itself. Our
duty in life is to help those who are going through pain. No one deserves to
suffer such heartbreaking pain. Maybe they do, if you believe in karma, but that
ain't exactly a compassionate way of looking at things. If you do believe
in karma, then whoever is suffering is already going through it, so there ain't
really much harm in trying to alleviate people's pain. And let's not forget that
there are many different types of pain too. Romantic pain ain't the only type of
pain out there, depression is also one.
Anyway, why do I care so much for
CD? Is it because I just want to sleep with her? Even if I did, so what? Do I
care for her? Yes, certainly so, VERY much. Would I like to have a relationship
with her? Yes, if she allows it, haha. Tell the truth, I'm scared that I may be
falling for her. That's something that is gonna open up a whole other can of
worms. Can I afford to fall for someone AGAIN? After all the shit that I
went through last time I did that? Where is the guarantee that it'll even work
anyway? I'd like it to work, but then, the age difference? Hell, I wouldn't even
know unless I try. And there ain't no chance of that until she gets back
sometime in August.
The waiting game sucks serious ass..
I do love her in a way. Pretty smile, long chest-length hair, coming in my
dreams dressed in leather, what more could a guy want? What can I do except
Remember those rock chicks I met on the street the other day? Well, the plan
was to go on a date on Saturday night, but it got cancelled for reasons best
known only to them. Still, they mentioned that they'd be having a party at their
place in Kingsbury today (Bank Holiday Monday) and gave me directions and
I was all set. I was looking forward to it. I never been
with rock girls before and all sorts of thoughts flooded my mind. Are they
kinky? Are they into whips and chains? Are they gonna play metal there? What
they gonna be wearing? How nasty can they get usually? My mind was a
Well never mind. To cut a long story short, I got there, did the
business, went home.
Nice girls. Now I learnt something new
ROCK CHICKS RULE!
And I was right, by the way, the
girl with the reddish-tinge black hair dye was pure juice.