Deep CD meditation
I was thinking about what I wrote about CD yesterday. Sometimes it worries me
having to express my feelings about things, especially other people. It's a
thing that I have to do to confront my own feelings, as burying it away in the
back of your mind (or heart) is not good.
I'm seriously scared that I might be falling for CD. It's one reason why I try not to think of her too much. Yesterday I considered the possibility of sleeping with her. Would it ever happen? I might never find out, not until she gets back from India anyway. Still, would I even do it with her? Would it be like how it is with other girls?
I care for CD so much, it's almost like I am on the brink of,...shall I say it? Falling for her. Maybe that's one reason why I shouldn't sleep with her. If I sleep with her, would it be "fucking" like it is with others? Would it be "sex"? It's a term that I've hardly ever used before, but would it be like "making love"?
Probably for the first time in my life, "making love" seems so appropriate and significant. I gues that's how I would feel with her. It would so intense and passionate. It wouldn't be like with anyone else, there'd be real love at least fro my side.
Which brings me to the prospect of her feelings for me, what are they? I know she likes me. She's a bit flirtatious and she drops comments here and there about how I'm "sweet" and "cute." The other day she told me I was "soooooooo sweet." So, I guess I'm sweet? What does that mean in girl-code? "Friend?" No surprise there.
The conclusion is that I fear that sleeping with her would be the last obstacle. After that, I'd just simply fall for her. That's probably why I'm so scared of sleeping with her and try not to think about her too much. But she's so irresistible...